From Reflection to Realization

“Disappointment in a relationship with someone from whom we were expecting a lot (perhaps too much) can teach us to go deeper in prayer, in our relationship with God, and to look to him for that fullness, that peace and security, that only his infinite love can guarantee. Disappointments in relationships with other people oblige us to pass from “idolatrous” love to a love that is realistic, free, and happy. Romantic love will always be threatened with disappointments. Charity never is, because it “does not insist on its own way” or seek its own interest.”
― Jacques Philippe, Interior Freedom

These past few days have been filled with much reflection. It is ironic that during the time that we are supposed to be in quarantine is the time that the Lord has used to teach me so much about interior freedom. A few days ago, a mutual agreement was made to take a break from the romantic relationship I had been involved in the past few months. Things had gotten to the point where disagreements and disappointments were getting too much to bear. Ironically, on the Feast of Saint Joseph, (whom I had prayed to a lot throughout the relationship) is when we decided to take a break and pray a novena.

“idolatrous” love

Why do you make idols of things bound to fall and break?

Now I realize that the issue wasn’t so much differences of viewpoints, rather it was because we were making a potential future an idol. Both of us were overjoyed at seeing how we seemed to be perfect for each other. It really seemed like we were meant to be. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but there was an element of pressure, which then made the disappointments even worse. Combine that with an extremely stressful season of life, lack of space, defensiveness, lack of willingness to really see one another, my lack of rootedness in the Father, etc—it was the perfect recipe for something explosive.

I see now there’s a great danger of falling in love with the idea of someone.

Luckily, it is through prayer that the Lord has helped me see this. Reading Interior Freedom by Jacques Philippe has also led me to see countless reasons why my life was feeling so heavy:

• I was placing my value in my future (whether or not I’d still go on mission)

• I was suffering too soon for things I was not sure of

• I was not seeing the freedom and grace in the present moment

• I was falling into the “trap of the Law¨ or in other words not leaving enough room for Grace and relying a lot on my own efforts

• I was placing too much of my value in my dreams and talents and not my true identity as a Daughter of God

• I was putting the blame where there was not any

• I was keeping so much bottled up

The Lord has been revealing so, so much in prayer. I feel like my prayer that I whispered in January for him to lay his hands on me and cure me is being answered, with the very mud of my weaknesses He is making me see clearly.

My emotions have been everywhere these past few days. I’ve been angry, sad, resentful, missing him, regretting my mistakes, and slowly moving towards to firmly rooted Hope. On Friday, I felt like I was in the depths of despair, like “How could God make anything grow from this?” I just kept playing “Can the Dead Rise up to Praise?'“ from the Lamentations album by Bifrost Arts Music. Because I feel like I’ve hit the bottom, slowly the Lord has been using this to make me more hopeful. I’m beginning to understand why Jesus said that the Kingdom of God belongs to those “Poor in Spirit”. I feel poor. I don’t know how I am going to graduate or go on missions because of the virus. I don’t know if my family and I are safe. I don’t know what the outcome of the Novena will be. I don’t know if God is going to want us to get back together or just be friends.

This is the attitude I’m taking now.

I don’t know a lot of things, but what I do know for certain is that I have a loving, loving Father who will never refuse something unless it isn’t very good. I am learning that he gives according to our hope. Therefore, I am hoping for a love that is realistic, free, and happy, I believe I will receive that, even if it looks differently that what I have planned.

I believe that only God can purify, renew, and fortify relationships. This time spent in lock down has indeed, been very freeing. I feel so stripped, many idols has been shattered. On top of that, seeing my own limitations has been extremely humbling. I am understanding more and more what Purity of Heart really is, like Jesus said, "Blessed are the Pure of Heart for they shall see God”, I am actually seeing how God is moving. I’m seeing that my relationship to God lies exclusively in God. I am nothing but a small child, but I am His small Child. This is a truth that I am internalizing. As the days continue to unfold I know there is still much more that the Lord has to reveal to me.

Still so much more peace. Still much more freedom. There is so much to hope for.

“a love that is realistic, free, and happy”

That is what I hope for.